I’m not sure I’m the right person to be sharing advice, but here’s what I would tell all of you aspiring journalists out there: If your pitch starts with the line, “OK, I’m really going to regret this,” you might want to reconsider submitting it.
I say that because, if your editor is sad*stic enough, the pitch might just get approved. And then you’ll find yourself writing exactly the type of thing you’re about to read.
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Fortunately, writing is a mostly stationary activity that doesn’t involve jumping, squatting or sprawling, which is a nice change of pace from the way I spent most of last week. Unfortunately, judging by these pesky reminders I get whenever I stand up or sit down or move my arms two inches in any direction, it might be a while until my main muscle groups forgive me for being awakened from their slumber.
As a totally serious writer who writes totally serious things, however, I understand I must suffer for my art. And if foregoing my dignity, the integrity of my kneecaps and the illusion of being anywhere close to in shape was the price I had to pay to bring you this harrowing tale of pain, sweat and more sweat (seriously, I’m gross), then so be it.
Without further ado, I present my latest labor of love, the one I like to call …
“I did five different fighter workouts in five days, and all I got was a sore pair of calves and this lousy column.”
OK, that dramatic unveiling looked cooler in my mind.
In any case, there will actually be some ado, as this calls for a little bit of context. First off, when I say fighter workouts, I mean adapted at-home workouts that these fighters did specifically so that our considerably less athletic asses could follow along. Meaning: They really weren’t all that hard and I believe my struggles can mostly be attributed to my own (lack of) conditioning and (poor) lifestyle choices.
What lifestyle choices, you ask?
Well, the fact that my workout setup was a chocolate-stained laptop on top of a box used for wine delivery should tell you something.
It’s also important to note that I’m at a very specific place when it comes to my physical fitness. I run four to five times a week around a 7.5 kilometers (about 4.7 miles) lagoon, which means my cardio is halfway decent. But I do it at a leisurely pace and never increase the distance, which means I’m also lazy and underachieving. I also did various forms of muay Thai training for a decade, which means I’ve once had muscles and a vague idea of what to do with them. But I haven’t trained for more than six months, which means my body is out of shape but my brain has yet to accept that reality.
This odd mix of crippling self-doubt and oblivious self-assurance meant that I knew better than to let the likes of Francis Ngannou, Georges St-Pierre and Michael Chandler trick me into believing that my decaying flesh prison can do anything remotely close to what their Skynet-designed bodies can do. So no, you won’t see me attempting one-hand pushups, handstands or whatever a “medball lunge hop” is. It also meant, though, that I was confident I could complete more reasonable workouts in the proper timeframe, with the proper amount of reps, without scaling them down to beginner levels.
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Did I succeed?
Obviously, I didn’t, but let’s pretend we didn’t already know that so you’re intrigued enough to continue reading.
Day 1: Live YouTube workout with Cris Cyborg and daughter Gabby
My first workout came with a quick lesson: Exercise mats exist for a reason.
Not only are they useful when it comes to keeping your bare knees from banging against hard floors — a problem for both said knees and downstairs neighbors, it turns out — but they are also good to keep you from the indignity of slipping in a pool of your own sweat and belly-flopping while getting up from a burpee.
I mean, that’s what I’d imagine, because of course I didn’t have a mat.
I did a Cris Cyborg workout for science. What happened next will shock you.
(Yes I realize a mat would have been useful. So would some basic coordination and lung capacity but it’s too late for that, isn’t it) pic.twitter.com/wF8Xnfe9xy
— Fernanda Prates (@NandaPrates_) March 30, 2020
A mat is not the only thing that I realized would’ve come in handy. First, Cyborg went right into it after just a couple of jumping jacks, so I should have warmed up by myself beforehand. I would have known that if I had watched her previous workout videos, which were all readily available, but why be smart when I can just make things harder than they need to be? I could have also gone without all those months of completely neglecting my core and upper body, but, again, hindsight is 20/20.
My own poor planning aside, Cyborg deserves props on multiple fronts.
Not only did she do all the workouts and walk us through every second of them, she appealed to both of her main markets by constantly switching between English and Portuguese. Does this hybrid idiom make sense to those who don’t speak either of the two languages? I have no idea, but I did feel privileged to be among the very specific group of people who can understand what a “gira-gira squat” is.
Cyborg’s voice also had just the right mix of positive reinforcement and that particular brand of trainer meanness, making it a perfect fit for those of us who are primarily driven by our fear of disappointing authority figures. Also, it was nice to see that a person made from the same basic materials as the rest of us can easily get through jumping planks and mountain climbers without so much as breathing hard.
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And by “nice,” I mean “thoroughly humiliating.”
That’s not on Cyborg, though. It’s not her fault that she is part machine and I’m part Ben & Jerry’s. She picked a nice variety of workouts, made sure to explain them thoroughly, and the sets ended right before I was about to irrationally resent her.
The real MPV:Gabby. While Cyborg showed me an inspirational, yet unattainable standard, her 14-year-old daughter was the realistic workout buddy whom we all need. She was clearly over it by the third round, but she kept the smile and the positive attitude throughout, and continued to work the camera as she dutifully reminded us to like, share and subscribe. As the kids would say: I stan a relatable queen.
General assessment: I will admit I was initially frustrated by my own performance — “I need to get back in shape” was the text I sent to a friend, followed by a possibly exaggerated comment about how I once “ate lightning and crapped thunder” — but I got through it without major hitches. I also had enough energy left to contemplate all my failures during a run, and woke up only mildly sore the next day. All in all, it was a highly doable workout and a solid alternative to the way I’d recently been getting my heart rate up (reading the news and dramatically railing at the computer).
Also, it wasn’t this:
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A post shared by Michael Chandler (@mikechandlermma) on
“A little try,” Chandler?
Day 2: Stephen Thompson’s favorite at-home workout
There’s something sensorially confusing about pairing “Wonderboy” Thompson’s voice with a workout.
On the one hand, you have this reassuring voice that fills you with drive and makes you feel you that you can do anything you set your mind to. On the other, you have this socially isolated body that’s filled with beer and tells you that, no, you can’t do anything and in fact you are very much incapable of doing most things.
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One immediate pro of this workout is that Thompson doesn’t play around with his warmups. “If you’re not sweating, you ain’t ready,” he said, and as someone who sweats just by standing in a room with a spice cabinet, I felt accomplished right away. I was tempted, in fact, to just shut off the computer and end the workout there, but I just couldn’t bear the thought of letting down “Wonderboy.” Plus, why would that sweet, kind, golden retriever of a man ever do anything to hurt me?
That proved to be a miscalculation on my part.
The first round was already tough. Thompson started with what he called “the MMA burpee” — basically, it’s a sprawl in which you land with one side of your hip. He made it look simple enough, but it sure didn’t feel simple to do. I don’t know if it’s a basic matter of lack of coordination, but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to do a loud thud every time I landed. My already-shaken confidence would take another blow when he introduced what is now the bane of my existence: V-ups (basically, crunches in which you elevate your straightened legs and torso simultaneously).
Again, this might just be my own level of fitness. Maybe V-ups are actually very easy for everyone and this speaks only to my own inadequacy. But between all three freakin’ sets of 20 of them and a routine that involved launching myself forward to the ground and trusting my bare hands to push me back up, it did occur to me that maybe professional athletes overestimate some of our basic skills.
Today I did one of Wonderboy’s quarantine workouts for science. I don’t think he’s that nice anymore. pic.twitter.com/Y3T0AQ0UUY
— Fernanda Prates (@NandaPrates_) April 1, 2020
Now here’s where I have to take up some of the blame: As proof that I do not learn from my mistakes, I didn’t watch the video beforehand, so I missed the part at the end where Thompson encouraged those of us who aren’t quite there in terms of not being amorphous blobs to do modifications (looking at you, three freaking sets of 20 V-ups). Also, given the whole public health crisis thing, I still wasn’t able to get a mat and therefore continued to let my limbs hit the ground repeatedly.
The real MVP:A comment that said “Wonderboy the type of guy to dislike his own videos so other YouTubers don’t feel bad”
General assessment:It wasn’t quite as fun as the Cyborg workout; Thompson just demonstrated the moves and then you had to pause the video and repeat them by yourself — which is logical but also leaves you enough time to question your life decisions to the disturbing sound of your own pained breaths. It was also considerably harder than Cyborg’s, which can be good or bad depending on how much you hate yourself. But it did allow for adjustments, I got a great sweat going, and the widespread nature of my morning-after pain suggests it’s also fairly complete.
Also, it wasn’t this:
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A post shared by Georges St-Pierre (@georgesstpierre) on
Very sweet of you to believe in me, Georges, but unfortunately I do not share that confidence.
Day 3: Holly Holm’s workout for #homewiththeUFC (feat. River, the dog)
Get active during quarantine and join @HollyHolm's at-home workout! #HomeWithUFC pic.twitter.com/TeTMOjnbo4
— UFC Canada (@UFC_CA) March 31, 2020
The good news is that at this point I had already learned to look at the full video first in order to prepare myself for the workout.
The bad news is that it didn’t stop me from severely underestimating it.
Fooled by the ease with which this professional athlete who is known for being insanely in shape got through her own workout, I decided it would be a good idea to warm up with my usual 7.5-kilometer run. Oddly enough, my non-athlete legs weren’t too jazzed about the extra minutes of bouncing, squatting and kicking, and decided to protest by giving out within the first two minutes. So that was fun.
My own stupidity, however, shouldn’t distract us from the fact that Holm’s workout was actually quite fun and no-nonsense. She just laid out five different one-minute routines that you could repeat as many times as you wanted. Most of them were actually chill and easy for anyone to do at home, but I can’t emphasize the word “most” enough.
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I don’t know how something as playfully named as “bounces side-to-side” can cause so much pain, suffering and existential angst, and yet here we are.
The mechanics of it are simple: You find something in which to lean with both your hands, like a bench or a chair, and then you bounce from one side to the other. Holm suggests that you try elevating your feet above the level of your support — as opposed to just going for smaller and easier hops — and watching her do it with the poise and understated gracefulness of a cheetah, you figure: why not?
Narrator: There were plenty of reasons why not.
Again, maybe it’s just me. Maybe my legs were just too tired, or maybe I am just generally incompetent, but nothing can explain my feelings on the matter quite like this image of what this old chair that I used as support looked like.
WARNING: It is gross.
Writer’s note: I wish I could pretend I staged this, but unfortunately I do have abnormally active glands and this is how they behave. Also, let me be; we’re in the middle of the apocalypse, and I have bigger concerns at the moment than dusting off old chairs.
When it comes to physical activity, I generally take pride in my durability — I might not be the most explosive, agile or generally pleasant to look at, but I sure am stupid enough to go way past my limit and let future me worry about repercussions. But here I waved the white flag and called it quits after just two five-minute rounds.
The real MVP:River and the three llama paintings that she said all had names but didn’t have time to get into it
General assessment:Holm was a great, non-judgmental instructor, and the workout was solid and accessible to regular humans. I have no one to blame but myself. The chair was just the better fighter that night. Now I just have to talk to my coaches, get back to the gym and work on the flaws in my game. I will return stronger.
Decided to go for a run as a warm-up for my Holly Holm workout. Immediately regretted my decision. pic.twitter.com/lx4F0Ya9OZ
— Fernanda Prates (@NandaPrates_) April 1, 2020
Day 4: Paige VanZant and Austin Vandeford’s late-night workout
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A post shared by Paige VanZant (@paigevanzant) on
I’m kidding, you perverts.
Actual Day 4 — Michelle Waterson’s quarantine workout (feat. daughter Araya)
At this point, it’s clear that learning is not really my thing, but I will give myself some credit. Instead of putting whatever was left of my legs through a 50-minute run this time, I just went for three rounds of rope-jumping to warm up.
That’s not to say my results were optimal, but it did take me longer than five minutes to long for the cold embrace of death, and at this juncture?
As for Waterson’s performance, let’s just be honest: This luminous unicorn of a woman could just stand there and smile while reciting Jordan Peterson’s “12 Rules for Life,” and I would still watch it. Thankfully, as the merciful queen that she is, she spared us from that and offered workout tips instead. As a bonus, we got a lovely Araya cameo and a socially responsible explanation as to why we should stay home.
Waterson’s mere presence is so heartwarming, in fact, that I’m not even going to be mad that she didn’t actually join us for the workouts. Or that the 12 reps she expected us to complete in one minute weren’t always realistic. Or that she casually suggested a mountain climber + kick-through combo that will forever haunt me in my dreams.
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You know what, scratch that: I will get a little mad about the mountain climber + kick-through combo. The kick-through, which other fighters referred to as sit-outs, was a common presence in these workouts. You start from a pushup position, then put one hand back and kick out the corresponding leg to the opposite side. I was familiar with those from my jiu-jitsu days, but, as it turns out, it is not like riding a bike. The issue wasn’t so much with the move, but with the fact that you were supposed to do 10 of the mountain climbers and go straight into a pair of kick-throughs, and do it fast enough to fit 12 reps within one minute. I tried, but it sure wasn’t a cute sight.
Again, maybe it’s just me.Or maybe this was the work of Satan himself. I guess we’ll never know.
I was so bad at those, in fact, that I wasn’t even all that upset when I came face to face with my nemesis again: the V-up. Araya was the one who demonstrated them and let us please not focus on the fact that a literal child was able to easily do something that I struggled with. Waterson’s variation was much easier than “Wonderboy’s,” though; instead of going through 20 of them at once, we just did one and rolled to the side before doing another. I’m not entirely convinced that the rolling on the floor part was a joke to see how far we’d go, but barring murder andwearing a pair of those leggings that mimick jeans, I can safely say I’ll do pretty much anything if Waterson asks me nicely.
In fairness to Michelle Waterson, I was already pretty f*cking gross halfway through my warm-up.
Her quarantine workout was fun but either I’m more out of shape than I thought or V-ups aren’t as easy as pro athletes seem to think they are. pic.twitter.com/ALAvUOxqeF
— Fernanda Prates (@NandaPrates_) April 2, 2020
The real MVP:Waterson’s golden aura
General assessment:This was fun and I liked that Waterson incorporated some shadow-boxing movements. The mountain climber combo was the only one that I actively sucked at, and it still didn’t keep me from going over the circuit three times.
Also, it wasn’t this:
Day 5: Forrest Griffin’s #homewithufcworkout
I am not even going to pretend like I got up to face the fifth and final day with a smile on my face and a can-do attitude.
I know, I know — these workouts weren’t exactly grueling. And yes, 20 minutes’ worth of exercising in a day shouldn’t be enough to prompt four different muscle groups to threaten mutiny. But I guess my beer-soaked 30-year-old body had its own ideas about how to deal with this sudden surge in activity.
Forrest Griffin’s workout had been in my mind for a few days, but I still had some doubts. Could my bruised knees handle those handsfree jiu-jitsu situps? Could my bruised ego handle another round of kick-throughs? What does the fact that this former UFC champion is panting after a single round say about my chances here?
I eventually worked up the courage to jump rope and trick both my muscles and brain into thinking they weren’t in shambles. The endorphins rush led me back up to my computer with some renewed resolve to see this through. Worst-case scenario, I would literally dissolve into the floor of my apartment and have to be scraped out weeks later when the neighbors finally caught on to the smell.
The good news is that I haven’t dissolved. In fact, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. The workout was fun, with a lot of variety and cool fight-specific moves like the jumping knees I once didn’t suck at. Maybe the workout was easier, maybe I was better prepared for it, or maybe going with a retired fighter instead of active athletes who are still training at the highest level was the smart move all along. Either way, I went over the circuit three times and only stopped there because I’m not getting paid enough to do championship rounds. Also, I was slipping in my own sweat again.
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The real MVP:Griffin’s quip against overenthusiastic trainers
General assessment:This was my favorite workout. The tougher exercises were often followed by more enjoyable ones, and Griffin’s sense of humor was a nice bonus. Personally, I dig that he did the entire first round with us in real-time (meaning, no need to pause, use timers or contemplate your own misery in silence) and that he seemed tired by the end of them(meaning, this felt like an actual human-to-human interaction).
Unfortunately, I got so excited about the fact that I was done and cold beers awaited in the fridge that I didn’t take any post-workout pictures. Instead, I offer this image that I feel truly encapsulates the entire experience.
(Top photo of Forrest Griffin: Ed Mulholland / Zuffa)
